First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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