he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
