Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
