bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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