If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
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captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
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I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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