she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
