youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
