the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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