I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
