There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
