These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
