I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
