I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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