if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
