Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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