hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
