thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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