The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
