So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
