Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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