I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
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Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
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The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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