I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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