For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
