Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Its about making memories worth repressing
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
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Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize