we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
