I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
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