Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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