believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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