And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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