Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
