What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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