I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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