I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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