I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
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