Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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