; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
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The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
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Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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