On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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