Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
