Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
