hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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