Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
