Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
