this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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