i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
