I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
