On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
