I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
