return my video game
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
