he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?