Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
