I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
