the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
