Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think my nap took me to another dimension
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
